The Crack....

My beloved Leonard Cohen wrote:

"Ring the bell
the bell that still
can ring

Forget your
perfect offering

There is a crack
a crack in everything

That's how the
light gets in"


Yesterday, I cracked and the Light came pouring in....

gracie garp
without a perfect offering

This Place...and then...That Other Place

My last blog entry on May 25th was entitled "This Place."....and then, I ran head first into "That Other Place."  That other place where if my beloved friends and family had not pulled me back from the edge of a very deep abyss, with the sheer strength of their heartstrings, I would have surely catapulted myself over the ledge.

Caution: do not attempt entering the forest of the 'dark night of the soul' without leaving a trail of breadcrumbs behind you for your Tribe to come and find you, if you cannot find your way back alone.

I was in so deep that I could not have possibly found my way back home without their stalwart and gentle footfalls following very close and very quietly behind me.  I lost sight of them but they never lost sight of me....

I usually begin my forest treks with, at first, a lot of bravado and a backpack of courage but sooner or later the bravado crumbles and the courage flees.  Next thing I know, I am un-compassed, the flashlight goes dead and in the ink-black dark, of course, all the scariest of my inner demons have a hay-day with my body, mind and soul.  Hiding under my bed of tree branches, I try and remember to welcome the demons, serve them tea and cookies; befriend them.  But with the particularly scary one's, I would find myself hurling the cookies at them---breaking tea cups, left and right, while panicked  and scrambling as far away as I could from their draconian taunts.  The more I feared them, the more they would come back in legions.

I found myself shaking and quaking and weeping a lot. Legions love the scent of fear....

Now six weeks into the thickets and thorns of the forest, I began to feel something that only Legions could love...the feeling of losing my mind, forsaking my sense of basic goodness, forgetting the truth of who I am,leaving behind my trust in the kindness of strangers, family, friends and tribe.  I was in deep shit.

Yesterday, I faced my Dilemma: I had succumbed to all the Phantoms of Fear that were happy to devour me.  Oh, and then, the angels, divas, and muses seem to appear out of nowhere. Of course, they were always there but they would never come close until I started proclaiming my Truth out loud...even if no one else could hear me:  "I am love, I am loved, I will not believe the vitriol of self-deception that I need to be more than I am, that I don't need to hate myself to find myself, that I don't need to go it alone, that I can trust those who love me so dearly, that I am not separated from my spiritual core, that I need not be burned at the stake for 'the sins I did not commit.' "

The dawn of my just 'being' was at hand.  One of the Tribe members grabbed my own trembling hand and I looked around me to see all those who love me,  holding hands in a circle of sacred protection.  The protective sacred ring  was for me; was for them , as well.  The circle cannot be broken--my life was inextricably tied to theirs.  They too had experienced the 'forest', they too knew how dark it can get when we believe we can actually let go of the hands that bind us together...the hands that are really one in the same.

That Other Place will always be available to me; the dark forest will wait patiently for me to enter again and again...ah, but the Tribe, also waits patiently for my next quest into the forest.  The Tribe knows intimately the dangers and pitfalls of letting go of self-compassion and venturing out to where we think no one can find us....they are always there, always ready to remind me that I can never really be forever lost in that Other Place.


A Grateful Gracie Garp

This place....

Oh, I will miss this place; the cows mooing in the morning and the coyote's singing me to sleep at night. I live just a couple of stone throws away from the vast open space at the base of the foothills to the majestic Flat Irons.

This place where the wind blows, sometimes to full gales that make my heart sing and relax my spirit more than most other elements of nature, save the sound of ocean waves and the quiet of a pine forest.

This place that initially felt so foreign from the frenetic droning energy of living inside the sounds of a bustling Boulder, in the central part of town. I will miss the sedentary pace of this, by comparison, rural meadow area where only a few miles away, is a very hip (chichi) and highly rated city to reside in.

This place, fondly named: The Bilbo Hut, that has brought me back to my basic sanity, my basic goodness. I am reminded that this place is an exterior environment that will provide me the 'practice' of remembering that it is my interior environment that need not be thrown about based on where I place a mail box.

This place, inside of me, that harbors my trepidations and fears change (as though no change were possible) will get another test-run of my ability to mindfully ride the waves of living with never knowing what other inevitable changes lie ahead.

This vulnerable place inside that intellectually knows one thing but feels another. This tender place inside, that I will take with me in all of my wanderings....this place, my place, that needs no address to reside in, no place but my heart of hearts leading me wherever I may sojourn and call home....this place.

Gracie Garp

Taking Refuge...

This fall, I will take my Refuge Vows. This vow will be an expression of my freedom. Freedom as a refugee, I can let go of my attachment to basic security--which is actually illusory; there is really no basis of security in one's life. Willingly suspended in no-man's land (no-woman's land) in which the only thing to do is for me to relate to the Dharma and with myself.

This vow is also intended to be a proclamation of my 'one-pointedness'; an allegiance to my sense of discipline, ethics and spiritual path. A heartfelt yes to my Basic Goodness. I am freed from having to be a heroine to a personal success story. This has me planting my stick in the ground and stopping in my tracks, the shopping in the spiritual marketplace for what I believe in. No more sidetracks, no exits. I have chosen the Buddhist path.

There will be no more scapegoats; blaming people, places, and things, for the problems I encounter. No more collapsing into a belief of helplessness whereby I would normally hand my problems over to someone or something else. Being virtually groundless, I can entertain the problems I will most assuredly encounter, as now a reference point from which to continue to practice moving along my boddhisattva path. Somehow, ironically, this affords me a way to relate to my being lost, confused but simultaneously more tenderhearted and open. Maitri-self compassion- will be my internal compass. I am welcoming the Hinayana approach--the narrow path of simplicity and boredom.

I have spent so much of my life caught up in 'dramas'...boredom is such a welcome relief to all the drama-energy I expended or whipped up to make my life tolerable or supposedly meaningful. There seems to be a sensibility and simplicity in working with the sacredness, richness and ordinary magic of my human experience. I am a slippery fish but I am no longer calling on a bigger net than myself for salvation. By this, I do not mean salvation like that of individuals being saved from their sins, their lives and their choices. Rather, I am being saved from a life of never growing up or taking full responsibility for my words or deeds.

I have no desire to go into 'lifetime retreat' or retreat from life...no, I am committed to being wholeheartedly engaged with what crosses my path as I participate in it fully. Fully a part of the everyday ordinariness of walking planet earth. Embracing ordinariness is a far cry from where I began with believing that to not live an extraordinary life or be an extraordinary person, I was somehow betraying my purpose. Fortifying my ego with thoughts of the extraordinary served its purpose: I learned that my extraordinary efforts to maintain myself as "different from", "better than" was not only impossible but ultimately, arrogant, selfish, and isolating.

This decision to take refuge, has been a long time in coming. I have not entered into it naively or haphazardly. There will be no beatific sound track to my life after the Vow. There will be the great unknown, roads less traveled and a heart that beats with both trepidation and solace. Whatever will be, will be and I vow to take refuge in it.

Gracie Garp

Dictionaries....

One of my most beloved friends, David, has the same compunction
and passion for 'reading' dictionaries, as I do.

This particular literary habit began early in my life. Of course, it has served me well as I have an unusually broad vocabulary and am a formidable Scrabble opponent. Once in a while, someone will come across a word that I do not know or have not utilized in years. David shared with me the word: canoodle. At first, I thought this was a noun, like noodlehead but in fact it is a verb...I will let you have the delightful experience of visiting your nearest unabridged dictionary and see the definition for yourself. Suffice it to say, I wish you all the abundant canoodling that you would ever want or need.

As an aside, since I thought I could feature other writers on my own blog, I wanted to submit for your enjoyment another (contemporary) poet's piece called: True Religion

True Religion

Christianity says: God's a man.
David says: Where is he?
The true religion would say, he'll come to you, sinner,
be careful what you ask for.
Christianity says: Sorry, die to meet him.

Islam says: God is great.
David says: I know!
The true religion would say, fine.
Islam says: Say it again.

The Buddhist says: I'm not me.
David says: I'm not you either.
The true religion would say, your born mate lives.
Buddhism says: Vanity begone.

The Hindu religion says: Owe my god.
David says: I can't pay.
The true religion would say, mercy is not strained.
India says:
When you thirst family first
burst nursed stranger cursed.

Judaism, once upon a time the true religion, now says: There's one God.
David says: Let him make another.
True religion says: God is one.

For respect of rights I AM tried on earth to
make the effects of my life one with my flesh.

O my God
I AM show
me myself
great to know.

You Are What You Eat....

I have heard it said that you can tell a lot about an individual by the contents of their refrigerator. Some time take a moment to peruse your own frig and see what it may say about you. Better yet, take a look at a friend or family members frig and see if its contents don't reveal something about them that you did or did not know...you are what you eat. I had the good fortune of having my dear friend, Turtle, do an inventory of my frig. This inventory was not planned so as to not think I stocked something to contrive a dishonest 'snapshot' of its full contents.
**You could also approach this list like a short (yet to be written) culinary-novella of my life in the kitchen:

Inventory:

Freezer: Goose Point Pacific Oysters, Organic Asparagus, Olivieri Cannalloni, Collossal Cooked Shrimp, Organic Artichoke Tops, Organic Angus Beef Burgers, La Concha Cotija Grated Cheese, Pork Roast, Organic Chicken Livers, Nestle's Turtle Cookies, Pork Tenderloin, Puff Pastry Shells, Crab cakes, Edamame, Organic Chicken Patties, Pork Ribs, Ben and Jerry Ice Cream, Athens Filo Dough, Belly-Tuna Filet, Astor Chocolate Liquer Cups.

Refrigerator: Roland Large Capers, Papa Christo's Tahini Salad Dressing, Seafood Sauce, Melle Dijon Mustard, Homemade Chili Sauce, Mediterranean Organic Sun-Dried Tomatoes, New England Cranberry Pepper Jelly, Danish Raspberry Preserves, Krinos Taramosalata Caviar Spread, Santini Fancy Pesto, Thai Red Curry Sauce, Rothschild Onion Horseradish Dip, Executive Chef Roasted Garlic, Claussen Kosher Dills, Claussen Sauerkraut, Minced Garlic, Rice Vegan Cheddar Cheese, Christopher Ranch Organic Whole Garlic, Flax Oil, American Cheese, Red Palm Oil, Grapefruit juice, Pear Juice, Club Soda, Pomegranate juice, Italian Pork Sausage, Butter, Stone Ground Whole Wheat Bread, Rothschild Fiery Raspberry Salsa, Pie crusts, Whipped Cream Cheese, Salemville Amish Bleu Cheese, Plum Sauce, Patak's Curry Paste, Fisher & Williams Raspberry Chipolte Sauce, Chantaine Mixed Berry Preserve, Hollywood Safflower Mayo, Heinz Organic Ketchup, Beaver Cream Horseradish, Bel Aria Black Olive Paste, Italia in Tavola Garlic Paste, Organic Sesame Tahini, Fire Mountain Red Cherry Syrup, Raw Hazelnuts, Sour Cream, Napa Valley Wasabi Sake Mustard, Tanqueray Pimento Olives, Tanqueray Lime Olives, Sadaf Sundried Olives, Half n Half, Mezzetta Calamata Olives, Cavi-Art Seaweed Caviar, Presidente Feta, Bella Cucina Tomato Pesto, LuLu Saffron & Garlic Rouille, Wild Oaks Eggplant Caponata, Wine, Beer, Champagne, Justin's Organic Almond Butter, Pine Nuts, Jarro-Dophilus, Imported Pecorino Cheese, Jarlsberg, Chevre, BellaVitano Cheese, Le Petite Dejeuner Brie, Cod Liver Oil, Phillip's Crabmeat, La Recca Anchovies in Olive oil.

Bon-Appetite

Gracie Garp

A Piece for Justin...

July 9, 2006

Justin

You were once
the child
steering your own
jewel
river boat

Peter and the Wolf
chased you
along the river's
shore
of
deep imagination

The oars of
adolescence
frought with
your being
handed a
family's sadly
leaky boat

The college years
when you
were not
spared
the necessary weight
of a
deeply broken heart
both
Julia and Marco
swept
under
the river's surface
One taken
by life
and
One
by death

Your present
watery
Van Gogh
years
of the thrill
and passion
of floating
precariously
along
the river's edge
of
no guarantees

Row, row
row your boat
gently down the
stream
Your heart's bouyancy
will sail you
into all
the days of your life

-tanina